The “Almost” perfect

Around an year back , I wrote that my life was “almost” perfect . (http://unknownrahul.blogspot.in/2011/03/dreams.html)

I think if I see from a positive side, I can say that yes, my life is still almost perfect. In last one year, the negative has been that am staying away from my family, but then to counter it the positive is am making good progress in professional life and everyone including my family is happy about it.

Quoting myself from last post : I want everything and everyone back. I want to feel the perfect life again. I miss that feel. I want to say again the line I once said in December 2008, “My life is perfect ,because god and you are with me”.

I don’t know if am asking for a lot. I remember writing in some post that “if its perfect then its not life, it’s a dream”.

I guess that is the human nature, never satisfied. Always looking for more. The same is with me , hoping for that perfect life.

Till then I guess I should enjoy my “Almost” perfect life, thanks to my family and some friends.

P.S. A sincere effort to write a positive post with a hope that it will act as a good start to the month of April after a deadly February and a bad March. J

Take me back to past or show me the future

I did not know what I wanted in life when I joined Infosys. Yes I had no clue if I ever wanted to be a software engineer. From second year of my college, I knew I wanted to do MBA, study about the world , markets , understand the human mentality.

I joined infy because of the great NRN. I always have been a fan of him. So it was a easy choice despite the other two jobs being in delhi. Now if I think this move changed my life forever. I lost almost everything because of this.

The only thing I learned during engineering was not to be scared of any subject and study anything and everything and clear the papers even if I don’t understand a word of it. So from studying electronics & telecom to C++, was not that difficult. Eventually, I had developed interest in C++, and had become good at it. Was among the toppers. At that point of time, I had decided to work for 3-4 years in software industry and then go for exec-MBA outside India. Everything was going smooth till one day…………………………………

Life had turned upside down. All the dreams came down crashing. Had no clue where both professional and personal life was heading to. Family and close friends came to rescue.

If things go wrong once, you always fear it may repeat. That fear is the worst feeling. I too fear the same. I don’t want some external entity to stop me from chasing the dream.

I wish I have an idea today if am taking the right path. I don’t want that couple of years later I look back at this time and again say that I repeated a mistake, the same mistake that I did when I decided to go to Infosys.

I admit the support from my family and close friends has been fantastic. They always ensure that I don’t feel out of the place, but somehow I miss them so much that sometimes the emotions get better of me. I don’t want that couple of years later I look back at this sacrifice and think what have I achieved from this…….

From family dinners, to walks with my dog, to playing cricket with school friends, I want them all…..

I want everything and everyone back. I want to feel the perfect life again. I miss that feel. I want to say again the line I once said in December 2008, “ My life is perfect ,because god and you are with me”.

Or I wish I get a sign from somewhere which tells me that what is happening today is for a better future………

And the battle goes on

Not because am an analyst and its my job to find something extraordinary from normal, everytime I think about my life in past 3-4 years, I see a pattern. Good things happening together and sadly once a bad phase starts everything goes wrong together.

I don’t know but somehow I get a feel my life is always in extremes. Say for example Infosys, first 4 months the best, last 3-4 months the worst.

And its not the big big things , even the smallest of my wish gets nullified in the bad phase. And somehow these small small things makes me scared as they always have been an indicator to me that rauuullll things are starting to go wrong and it’s the beginning of something bad to happen.

This whole week has been like that. Anything and everything I wanted or I did , went completely wrong. To add to the woes, yesterday night I went for bowling , even that did not happen. And I know its difficult to digest the fact but the simple reason for this was that there was no parking. Oh yes, I was not allowed to park my car , the guard told me to come couple of hours later as movie shows were going on. YES DAMN YES !!! this happened and its very much normal in Chennai.

This is just a small incident. The biggies are better left unsaid. No point into dwelling into them. Even thinking about them are enough to scare the hell out of me.

But the crux of the matter is that why the hell everything starts to go wrong together. I mean wont it be better if one thing goes wrong in the day but to counter it something good happens, so that atleast I can sleep peacefully thinking about the good thing that happened and may be have some positive dreams.

Its so bad to even go to sleep during bad days , because even in sleep I get nightmares.

Its so so so bad to have these kind of days in an ALIEN LAND known as Chennai. Its getting difficult day by day but then I WONT QUIT easily. Bring it ON!!!

Drifting further every day

Sometimes it happens you  walk in a crowded lane but still feel alone,

Sometimes it happens you  listen to your favorite song but cant recollect the lyrics,

Sometimes it happens you fear to close your eyes because you don’t want to see that face,

Sometimes it happens people praise you but you think was it worth the sacrifice.

Sometimes it happens the mere existence of you is dependent on a false hope,

Sometimes it happens you are scared to face the truth.

Sometimes it happens you knowingly fall into a trap,

Sometimes it happens you want to punish yourself to feel the pain.

Sometimes it happens you understand you are drifting further away from everyone everyday,

Sometimes  it happens because you want to search the lost person in yourself.

Small fish in big pond – Part I

I have completed 9 months in corporate world post my MBA. As expected am a very small fish in the big pond, totally un-noticed by all but the good thing is am still floating. J

One thing I have learnt in last 9 months is that it is very important to listen to the right people, people who have experience and command respect. Listen to them carefully and learn from them.

For instance, there is so much to learn from sports. And thinking of what I have learnt from watching sports, couple of names which come to my mind are Sachin Tendulkar, Imran Khan and Roger Federer.

Everytime I watch Roger Federer play , I cant help but think about his mental frame of mind. This guy has just one aim whenever he steps on to the court, to give his best and Win the match.  Any budding or professional tennis player would dream of playing a grand slam final, but this guy thinks above one level, to win that. And he cries if he fails to do so. That is the bar he has set for himself. Anything less than that is not good enough for him.

I remember meeting one very nice marketing professional when I was travelling from Chennai to Delhi in January end. The talk was regarding climb the corporate ladder and he was sharing his experiences with me. When I told him about my office life and how am dealing with it, he told me that the first important thing is to understand your capabilities and trust them. He told me that if you think you can do job ‘A’ then go and tell it to your clients/manager that you can do it and then complete it. But if you are unsure never commit anything. That is ‘100% success rule’, do what you say. It doesnot matter if you say No to 10 things but it matters a lot if you say yes to 1 thing and fail to deliver it.

Second important thing which he told me and I still remember was to be very clear of choices you make in the professional life. Make a choice, then stick to that choice and set it as the topmost priority. Let everything else take a backseat.

In his words “The first step towards success is to be true to yourself in setting the bar and making the choices. Because in the end its you who has to achieve that bar and stand to the choice”.

Deadly February

For some February is the shortest month full of love, for me it is the longest month full of work….

How happy I feel writing this post on a Saturday afternoon of March. Thank god , the month of February is over. It was as expected, a month in which I spent most of the time in office, came home every night for 5-6 hours to sleep and then back to office. To make matters worse, the sleeping time was from 10 pm to 4 am. The only good thing was that I was doing work which I enjoy.

I did not get a minute even to think of what was happening last month. Mind was totally occupied with work. I remember on 20^th night, I wrote it in my To do list for next day , to wish my sister anniversary, and I read it at 5 am on 21^st, but still managed to give her a call only at 10 pm. I did not want to give her a call , wish and hang up. Wanted to spend at least 5 mins on phone with her and it was not possible.

One of my closest friends got engaged in February, I remember him telling me about his engagement mid of February, I thought of booking tickets, wrote it down on my pad in To do list and next time I see that, the engagement is just one day away. Neither my body was in a position to travel nor it was feasible financially and add to it some work on Saturday plus Monday morning same schedule at 4 am.

One thing I understood no matter how much you enjoy the work, the body cant take this schedule. I had an incident which just shook me up. I was driving at speed of around 80 kms/hr at 4 50 am one day and am still not sure if it was because of a tired mind and body or normally also it would have happened, I failed to see a truck standing in the middle of the road. I saw it only when my car was very close to it. Luckily somehow I managed to survive, taking a sharp cut . But then it left me with a thought in mind, what if ???

No complaints though, this is the choice I have made, to be in this profession , this is the first step I have taken for a dream that I have (http://unknownrahul.blogspot.in/2011/03/dreams.html). And I guess one has to make sacrifices to achieve dreams.

Thankfully the month of February is over, thankfully I survived it, thankfully it went off well.

Above all , thankfully am happily back to normal life. J J