Take me back to past or show me the future

I did not know what I wanted in life when I joined Infosys. Yes I had no clue if I ever wanted to be a software engineer. From second year of my college, I knew I wanted to do MBA, study about the world , markets , understand the human mentality.

I joined infy because of the great NRN. I always have been a fan of him. So it was a easy choice despite the other two jobs being in delhi. Now if I think this move changed my life forever. I lost almost everything because of this.

The only thing I learned during engineering was not to be scared of any subject and study anything and everything and clear the papers even if I don’t understand a word of it. So from studying electronics & telecom to C++, was not that difficult. Eventually, I had developed interest in C++, and had become good at it. Was among the toppers. At that point of time, I had decided to work for 3-4 years in software industry and then go for exec-MBA outside India. Everything was going smooth till one day…………………………………

Life had turned upside down. All the dreams came down crashing. Had no clue where both professional and personal life was heading to. Family and close friends came to rescue.

If things go wrong once, you always fear it may repeat. That fear is the worst feeling. I too fear the same. I don’t want some external entity to stop me from chasing the dream.

I wish I have an idea today if am taking the right path. I don’t want that couple of years later I look back at this time and again say that I repeated a mistake, the same mistake that I did when I decided to go to Infosys.

I admit the support from my family and close friends has been fantastic. They always ensure that I don’t feel out of the place, but somehow I miss them so much that sometimes the emotions get better of me. I don’t want that couple of years later I look back at this sacrifice and think what have I achieved from this…….

From family dinners, to walks with my dog, to playing cricket with school friends, I want them all…..

I want everything and everyone back. I want to feel the perfect life again. I miss that feel. I want to say again the line I once said in December 2008, “ My life is perfect ,because god and you are with me”.

Or I wish I get a sign from somewhere which tells me that what is happening today is for a better future………

And the battle goes on

Not because am an analyst and its my job to find something extraordinary from normal, everytime I think about my life in past 3-4 years, I see a pattern. Good things happening together and sadly once a bad phase starts everything goes wrong together.

I don’t know but somehow I get a feel my life is always in extremes. Say for example Infosys, first 4 months the best, last 3-4 months the worst.

And its not the big big things , even the smallest of my wish gets nullified in the bad phase. And somehow these small small things makes me scared as they always have been an indicator to me that rauuullll things are starting to go wrong and it’s the beginning of something bad to happen.

This whole week has been like that. Anything and everything I wanted or I did , went completely wrong. To add to the woes, yesterday night I went for bowling , even that did not happen. And I know its difficult to digest the fact but the simple reason for this was that there was no parking. Oh yes, I was not allowed to park my car , the guard told me to come couple of hours later as movie shows were going on. YES DAMN YES !!! this happened and its very much normal in Chennai.

This is just a small incident. The biggies are better left unsaid. No point into dwelling into them. Even thinking about them are enough to scare the hell out of me.

But the crux of the matter is that why the hell everything starts to go wrong together. I mean wont it be better if one thing goes wrong in the day but to counter it something good happens, so that atleast I can sleep peacefully thinking about the good thing that happened and may be have some positive dreams.

Its so bad to even go to sleep during bad days , because even in sleep I get nightmares.

Its so so so bad to have these kind of days in an ALIEN LAND known as Chennai. Its getting difficult day by day but then I WONT QUIT easily. Bring it ON!!!

Drifting further every day

Sometimes it happens you  walk in a crowded lane but still feel alone,

Sometimes it happens you  listen to your favorite song but cant recollect the lyrics,

Sometimes it happens you fear to close your eyes because you don’t want to see that face,

Sometimes it happens people praise you but you think was it worth the sacrifice.

Sometimes it happens the mere existence of you is dependent on a false hope,

Sometimes it happens you are scared to face the truth.

Sometimes it happens you knowingly fall into a trap,

Sometimes it happens you want to punish yourself to feel the pain.

Sometimes it happens you understand you are drifting further away from everyone everyday,

Sometimes  it happens because you want to search the lost person in yourself.