The hidden answers

Despite what happened (http://unknownrahul.blogspot.in/2011/08/and-everything-stopped-for-moment.html), he always had one fantasy. It was to meet her once again (http://unknownrahul.blogspot.in/2011/10/love-or-desire.html), something like Alfred expressed in The Dark Knight rises. He also fantasized about just an eye contact with her – an eye contact to express that they both are happy in their own lives, they both have buried the past and now what they have is nothing more than mutual respect for each other. He always felt that this one minute of eye contact will make him feel better, it will give him answer to all the things which remained as questions with the end of relationship. Whilst the meeting never happened, but with time he found all the answers from the most likely source.

He found the answers from himself as time passed. Time made him realize that there is more to life than her. From one view of him not being good enough for her, he found the lost self-confidence of believing that he was meant for someone better. From being afraid to communicate with strangers, he again started viewing them without any preconceived notions. Above all, he reclaimed his individuality and beliefs.

Today he is not waiting for that one moment. Yes the thought about her do cross his mind once in a while but the feeling is just of respect and a bit of anger about how things ended. He does not need any answers as he has already found the most important answer.

 “When everything has been said and done, its best to leave it that way.”

Love or Desire

Exactly this very date on calendar three years ago, they both had professed their love. Today they were miles apart in terms of both distance and feelings. Nevertheless, he still loved her and had a hope to see her again. I told him zillion times that its all over. He had understood this long time back but somewhere the hope still languished in heart and was strong enough to completely take control of his senses.

He decided to give it a try again. I pleaded to him to not to enter the trap again. But I knew he wont stop so didn’t force him. He said it will be a last try. So happily, he wrote her a mail that he will be waiting for her at the same place where they met exactly a year ago.

With this started what I feared. For next two hours, he kept on checking his mailbox every minute hoping for a reply from her side. It never came. I thought this would be the end but then he took his car keys and told me he is going to that place. When asked for the reason , he said “ I guess she hasn’t replied because she wants to surprise me by directly showing up there”. I could see the confidence of love in his eyes so I decided not to discourage him at that moment and I just said “I hope so too”.

It was past midnight. He had not returned or replied to any of my calls. I went to that place but it was closed. Finally, he came around 2 am. I wanted to scream at him but then even before I could say a word he hugged me and started crying and kept on repeating, “She didn’t come”.

After an hour when I felt he was normal , I decided to have a talk. I knew I had to get him out of this mess and make him understand that this is the end.  For next half hour I gave him a big lecture. He didn’t utter even a single word , just kept on nodding the head.

In the end , he said “ I understand you completely. I just want to send her a last mail to tell her that I waited for her there and since she didn’t turn up or replied to my mail , I am not going to get in touch with her again “. Again, I knew that even if I say No to him , he will still do it.

He sent her a mail and went to bed. I was still scared for him, so I waited for him to sleep. Suddenly don’t know the reason but some thought in my mind made me to login to his laptop. I opened his mailbox and went to the sent mails section. I opened the last mail. It read :

“

Hey dear,

Am sure you must be busy in something very important and that’s why you could not come to the place and reply to my mail. Its ok , I understand that.

I will wait for you at the same date and place next year. Do make it that time.

Loads of love

“

I had no clue how to react to that. A part of me wanted to wake him up and give me a huge lecture but then a bigger part of me realized that he loves her truly, madly & deeply and nothing except time can make him forget her and till then it’s the hope to be with her which is keeping him alive and I should not try to kill the hope abruptly.

I never talked about that mail with him. That date next year I ensured that, I stayed with him the whole day and kept his mind occupied with something or the other.

I am not sure how to name his feelings. In the beginning am sure it was love , but with time it turned into an unfulfilled desire which he wanted to achieve. The worst part was that this desire was not taking him forward in life but thankfully time as always proved again to be the best healer.

And everything stopped for a moment

He was confused. The devil inside him wanted to abuse and kill her but somehow the god inside him still controlled him. He understood her so well that he decided to do what she desired but never said explicitly.

It was Monday morning. He thought of going directly to her office but then decided otherwise. Therefore, he called her to say that he is in the city and wish to meet. Her reply was a bullet straight through the heart, she said she will try to catch up during the weekend but not sure.

He made a fool of himself but decided to miss his office and wait until the weekend. Finally, it happened, the moment for which he had been waiting for long. There she was standing in front of him. He have had this moment at least 100 times in his dreams and was ready with each and every line he wanted to say. Still the moment got better of him. He was standing in front of her speechless.

She walked towards him normally, hugged him for about 10 seconds and as always said with smile ‘I love you’. He was left amused thinking how on earth she could just tell these words so casually without meaning even a bit of them. He didn’t reply and just opened the car door for her.  She asked him why he came back and what’s the matter about which he wanted to talk. He wanted to see guilt in her eyes so asked her to wait till the time he drives to a place where they can sit peacefully and talk. In between, she had a small call from a guy and she told him about her whereabouts.

After reaching to the very same place where they went for first time, with a tear in his eye he asked her what has gone wrong in last one month. She behaved as if nothing went wrong. To this he got angry and raised his voice asking her it again.

She started in the most common way out by a girl saying that 'you are a very good guy and I feel you deserve someone better than me , you don’t deserve a bad girl like me etc etc.'

He have had enough of these answers in last one month so he looked straight into her eyes and told her,'we always had been completely transparent and honest with each other and requested her to be the same now.' She shed couple of tears and told him that with time, feelings have changed and she doesn’t feel the same closeness and love anymore. His heart was broken but he didn’t want to show his weak side to her anymore. He felt as if his world came to an end and didnt feel like to talk more with her. All the questions he had in his mind suddenly seemed worthless to even find answers.

She again got a call from someone. He could make out that its time for her to go. They walked together to car parking. He knew it was the last time they were meeting. So when he expressed his thought to her , she laughed and said that he is over reacting. But he was absolutely sure of it.

The last two minutes they were together got too emotional for him to handle. The hope was still inside him that she might suddenly change her mind , suddenly she might realize that things between them were coming to end and the fear of losing him which she always had was close to becoming reality.

But nothing happened like that. As always in her cute way she looked in his eyes with confidence, gave him a kiss on cheek and hugged him. The hug which was meant to be for few seconds went about for about a minute. He hugged her tight and left her only when she said that its getting late.

He had a tear in his eye which was very much visible to her. She ignored it and said ‘I love you , bye’. She knew he wasn’t going to reply , so turned her back and started walking towards metro station.

He waited there till the time he could see her. Again it was a stupid hope that she might come back to him. What happened after that is history.

Strangely love creates such stupid hopes that sometimes one goes into a stage of split personality where in he tries to convince himself that it actually has ended but at same time finds answer to suggest that its too early to give up.

Moving Back or Ahead

Some relations in life never change. A mom’s love for her child will never change even if the child leaves her once he is grown up. A pet dog will never harm his master even if he beats him everyday. Rest everything in life may change because Change is the law of life. Everyone changes over a period of time, I have changed, you have changed…..you can deny it but its true.

The change comes up because of various reasons. The first one is as we grow up we move out of our inner world and face the real world. We meet new people and thus learn from them and with it comes up new characteristics in our life. Definitely, our parents did not teach us the four letter words, smoking or drinking, we learnt it from our friends or from movies.  In addition, we do mistakes and learn from them, from mistake of choosing a wrong burger to even a wrong friend. Next time we are cautious because we have learnt from it.

However, the problem comes up when the source of change is not within us. It is exterior. By this, I mean when we get hurt because of other person mistakes. The change brought in by this is not constructive. It is a forced change, a change where in we generalize and start seeing the world with skepticism. Its something which is more to do with hurt rather than learning. One tends to overlook the good people around and just see the face of that one person in everyone.

Oh yeah, it happens. It has happened with me in past and I have seen it happening with many of my friends. 

I remember when I was in such a phase ( that time I didn’t know I was in it ) , my lovely sisters came to talk to me about this. They somehow always manage to get to know when am in trouble. They told me to learn from what happened but not to change because of it. The learning was to accept that relationship with other people in this world, be it girlfriend, best friend etc, there is a possibility that it may change with time. The stress is on the word possibility, it’s not a certainty. Few of the existing or future relations will stay for lifetime in which both the persons will be honest and devoted to it. So don’t go with prejudice while meeting others, just keep the expectations low and let the expectations grow with time .

One might be let down again but hey its not a failure if one learns from it. It’s a failure if it changes you. J

Fight : Heart Vs Mind

                                Ek Chhota Sa Lamha Hai Jo Khatam Nahin Hota

                               Main Laakh Jalata Hoon Ye Bhasm Nahin Hota

Its strange what we want to forget in life …we are not able to forget that….Its may be because we are making special efforts to forget it…

In one of the friends episode they showed that by burning all the gifts given by ex…u will be able to start a new life….I don’t think so ….i mean ok u can burn the gifts…but what about the memories….u cant burn or delete them…

So what to do….again my favorite line comes into picture … “ its all about giving time to time “ …. U will get better only with time….from remembering her with every heartbeat…slowly it will go upto  every minute..den day..den month…den year…n after dat if u remember her someday it will just bring a smile to ur face…

It sounds very simple..but it isn’t…bcoz dere will be a constant battle between mind n heart…Everytime u will remember her u will feel like calling/texting / mailing her …dere will be a hope created by heart dat get in touch with her n things will be fine…She might be waiting for ur call… Initially heart will win dese battles n lead u in an endless loop of pain and hope….crazy heart….

This will go on else u realize that its time to ensure that the mind wins the battle and controls the body and the actions..The sooner u realize this the better ….U have to keep reminding urself dat u r doing it for ur own good…for ur friends and family who stood by u in the toughest of times just to see a smile back on ur face…By doing something stupid again u cant let them n urself down…

This whole thing is a continuous process….Dese battles will happen within urself time to time…talk to ur friends during those battles…those who either actually know what happened to u or u think can give an unbiased opinion and who will listen to u carefully n from their experience guide u in the best possible way ….It helps a great deal ..

These battles are very draining but very important…so fight hard …stay focused…win them…n den celebrate the victory with a smile  J